My least favorite personality trait in others is arrogance. That cocky bro who pretends to know way more than he does…for me this is a nightmare in a group situation. And while the supremely-sure-of-themselves hope to give off an air of strength with their invulnerability, I almost always sense fragility, fear, and weakness behind the act. I prize leaders and colleagues who are humble and have a sense for what they do not know. I love being around leaders who can be wrong- how can you learn when you have to pretend to know everything? I appreciate being around people who can say those three magic words: “I am sorry.” (Tied and interconnected with, “I was wrong.”)
And yet…
It’s true there is having too much of a good thing- even when it comes to humility.
I’ve been influenced by the world of impov. Both Sam Well’s book Improvisation and Maryann McKibben Dana’s God, Improv, and the Art of Living emphasize the importance of flexibility. There is power both in “playing high” to own power in a clear, forthright way, and in “playing low”, acting with humility and deference. Best is to know how to play both roles and adjust when it is called for. If I only know how to play high, I can be sure I will come off as arrogant and difficult. If I only know how to play low, I will not be perceived as humble but weak and cringing.
I can recognize in myself such a distaste for seeming overly confident I can go too far in the other direction. I can show up as apologetic- often not even because I’ve done anything wrong but because I’m trying to be sensitive to those around me. And being overly apologetic is merely the flip side of arrogance. Where arrogance over values the self, being apologetic denies self in a similar but opposite way. Neither are a good look.
In the year ahead I’m going to be thinking more consciously about my own language. Instead of apologizing for myself as often I’m going to work on reframing my language to being more grateful for how others are relating to me…even if I’m not always at my best.
I wrote this piece as a way of rethinking why and when we say I’m sorry…
A Slightly More Dangerous Version of Yourself
Don’t apologize for your self
for who you are, your family, decisions
lack of wealth, social standing, or the stealthy
way you have of finding hiding places
that help you to come back to ground
that call you home to yourself.
Say you are sorry when your words
have hurt and you’ve blurted out
that curt response trying to be funny
but just coming off as a jerk- and you knew
it the moment the words flew out
there was no taking them back.
Ask for forgiveness when you
were shocked and didn’t know
what to say, hesitating, your words
blocked wondering how they would play
and so you chose the betrayal of silence
sitting with the shameful portrayal of inaction
Apologize when you’ve told lies
Trying to aggrandize the small lives
you legitimize for social media eyes
And fantasize that somehow enough
likes will reify and make what is
fake now become real.
Beg pardon for when you have chosen
chosen not to rise, to close your eyes and play small
to accept that this tepid safety is as good
as it gets when you were made to fly and
fail, to soar, crash, and sail- no heights without the depths.
But don’t you dare apologize for your self. For the way
your body takes up space and makes him feel unsettled.
For the way you chew your nails and horrifies her sensibilities.
For way you have finally decided to show up as a slightly more dangerous
version of yourself. Louder. Stranger. More honest.
And one small step closer to who you’ve been made to be.